Sword Swallowing
by Kabinett
Summary: In which Sirius discloses childhood trauma and several phallic jokes are made. Marauder's Era, RemusSirius


**Title: **Sword Swallowing.

**Author:** Becca

**Disclaimer: **Not mine!

**Warnings**: Cursing and Implications of sex.

**Summary:** In which Sirius discloses childhood trauma and several phallic jokes are made.

_Weird things happen when you swallow swords_--Thom Sellectomy

When Remus got home, the flat he shared with Sirius was filled with boxes. The chaos was hardly unusual; Sirius had an aptitude for utter disaster. Remus hung his coat on the hook in the wall and tried to avoid stepping on anything.

"Sirius?" he called, voice already filled with bemused incredulity.

There was a lunge of movement and he was faced with a very deadly, very sharp steel tip.

"En garde!" shouted his insane roommate.

"What the bloody buggering fuck!" Remus yelped, backing up three steps. Sirius followed him, sliding heel first. He held the sword with bloody annoying grace.

"Accio!" Sirius yelled –just before cursing and ducking as the sword he summoned nearly took his head off. Remus threw himself sideways as the sword lodged itself in the wall behind his head, quivering from the impact. It had the hilt of a saber and had the long thing blade of a fencing sword; though, normally they weren't so sharp.

"What the fuck is going on here?"

Sirius snickered.

"Stop fucking laughing at my cursing and tell me what's going on!"

"Calm down, Moony-my-man, and take your sword!" Sirius said, waving his own blade a little.

"What are these boxes? What are these i swords /i ?" Remus said, grabbing the sword and yanking. It took quite a bit of effort, goddamn spell got it in there deep.

"The property my parents tried to take from Alphie finally came to me," he said, meeting Remus' blade and scraping them together casually, "Decided might as well explore it before my solicitor auctioned it off."

"Swords?"

"Well, my family likes swords."

Remus raised his back hand like Sirius was doing and tried to sink down low into Sirius' stance. Sirius laughed at him and took a few steps forward to correct his grip, hand lingering a little on Remus' wrist. Remus' breath caught in surprise and Sirius eyes flickered to his face before retreating once more.

"No, like this."

"Why am I doing this?" Remus bemoaned to the world.

"Because you love me," said Sirius, slipping back into en garde.

"Now parry!" he said, longing forward and neatly kicking a box out of the way. Remus scrambled backward, flailing the sword and trying to whack it away. Sirius was still snickering, but he pulled the tip away before mutilating him.

"That was awful, now you lunge at me."

Remus tried, but stumbled forward and missed him altogether. Sirius danced even further out of the way and leaned on his sword, attempting to catch his breath. He was positively impish, tossing his long dark hair out of his face with a toss of his head. On anybody else, it would remind Remus of a horse or something; Sirius forced him to avert his head and swallow hard.

"_Merlin_ , you're so terrible."

"Well, I've never had a chance to play with swords before," Remus said peevishly, hand on his hip, "How did you get so blooming good anyway?"

"Tutored," he informed him promptly, slipping back into the proper position and raising his balance arm tauntingly, "By a fucking pervert, actually. Had a bit of a thing for punishing me by slapping my arse with the back of the blade. I blame my issues on him."

"I definitely didn't need to know that," Remus said, with a half smile on his face.

"Now guard properly, Moony."

Sirius lunged again, but this time he didn't notice the box underneath his feet. He tripped and faltered, but luckily got the blade out of the way of any of Remus' vitals. In the effort to escape i dying /i (he needed new friends), Remus had plastered himself against the wall.

Sirius fell on top of him, on hand supporting himself against the wallpapered wall. There was a moment of heavy silence, where all Remus could hear was their mingled harsh breathing and all he could see were Sirius' eyes widening.

"Maybe I'm not so good at that as I thought," he said, more air than voice.

"Maybe not," Remus replied, eyes not leaving Sirius'.

Remus' sword dropped to the ground with a clatter as Sirius head dipped downward and brought their lips together. Remus gasped, which Sirius took as an invitation to deepen the kiss, tongue impossibly slick and hot.

"Well, this is new," Remus breathed as they parted, entangling his fingers in Sirius' hair.

"We played with swords for a while, obvious next step, really."

Sirius laughed through his words, pushing himself a bit closer and twisting his hips _- oh_.

His mouth moved a little farther down, suckling at Remus' neck and forcing him to bang his head harshly against the wall. Remus cursed and Sirius chuckled, the huffing of his breath searing Remus' skin.

"I ought to do this more often," Sirius said, running his hands down Remus' side, cool nose press the curve of Remus' neck. Remus gasped and didn't reply, mostly because he was overcome by the reality of Sirius (who smelled like wet dog and salt, a curiously alluring combination), pressed against him and _moving downward_.

Remus wondered, just before his brain shut down, if there was anything else interesting in these boxes of Alphard's. He has heard interesting stories about _that _particular Black.


End file.
